I was nearing the end of my 12-year long (and second) marriage when I met my sub, Adam. The year was 2020. I had just “come out of the closet” and had also come to the revelation that I was bi-sexual, poly-amorous and/or non-monogamous, and a Free-Spirit. It would take me the next two years to realize that I also was a Burner and a Boho-Hippie.

My then-husband and I had just opened our marriage. Finding Adam was like unlocking a part of me that I had long-since forgotten. My marriage was shaky and falling apart around me. I had just finished up with 3 rounds of IVF in an attempt to get pregnant. We had recovered from two affairs. Simply put, being with my husband required that I suppress all that I was for it to work.

The marriage was not meant to last.

One evening, while with my sub, we were taking turns pushing our boundaries, when he asked me to choke him. I was hesitant. I wanted it. “Show me,” I said, and with all the trust in the world, he guided my hands to his throat.

Instantly, a vision came to me, a realization that would forever change how I view marriage, relationships, and BDSM.

It was like I had once stood at the base of Mount Everest with my then-husband. We had both decided to climb this mountain together. We went into the shops to buy equipment and we argued about the supplies. We argued about which maps we would take. We argued about which knots we would use.

And then we started the climb to the summit. We argued about which paths to take. Which foods to eat. We argued about which ropes to use. Nevertheless, we climbed higher and higher. At one particular overhang, his rope broke, he fell, and I caught him. At once, he screamed, “You tied the equipment wrong!” “You didn’t secure the line right!” “You chose the wrong foothold.”

No thank you. No acknowledgement. Only blame.

But here I was with Adam. The same mountain before us. The same shops. We agreed to climb this mountain together. We selected the ropes, the maps, the equipment. As his Mistress, he trusted all of my choices and gave his opinion only when asked, to which he only ever replied, “I trust you.” We began the ascent. We climbed in peace, a sense of calm over us both. With Adam, we came to the same overhang, but when he slipped and fell. I turned in a breath and caught the rope, holding him there, suspended in the air, thousands of feet above ground. And with the greatest of calm, he looked up at me and unhooked his harness. Without thought, my hand was out. My hand on his, I caught him and held him there. And smiling, he looked up at me. The look in his eyes were all the words I needed.

“I knew you’d catch me.”

And that is BDSM.

For me, this is the difference between a sub and a Dom/me and a marriage. Actually, since that marriage, I made a deliberate point of finding a partner who shared that same trust as I saw between my sub and me.

This is BDSM. This is what I seek with my sub every time I reach out to Adam and summon him.

No other Dynamic has given me the opportunity to explore trust so intimately and deeply as BDSM.

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