Sounds like a contradiction in terms, doesn’t it? After all, being humble requires humility. Not exactly the sort of thing one associates with a Dom/me. But this is VERY much where I differ from your average BDSM Guru.

I remember the day I told my former husband that I was a Mistress. The marriage was two months from it’s end and he had reached the “competition” stage of a breakup where “anything you can do, I can do better.” At that time, I had 25 years of Mistress experience under me. He had none. But he was adamant. “Anything you can do, I can do better.”

And the first thing out of his mouth, “I’m going to get me a sub so i can boss them around and have them serve me!”

I cringed. I tried.

“Having a sub is not about having someone serve you. It’s about your responsibility to them.”

He argued. I abandoned that attempt. I knew a lost cause when I see one.

But that concept stayed with me. His words stayed with me and cut into me. What was he missing? I have asked this of that moment so many times since then. Today, it finally occurred to me.


I thought back to all the Dom/mes I have known. All the Mistresses and Faux-Dom/mes. My favorite Dom. The one whose book I read and I nodded in approval. Now HE got it. Michael Makai (Domination and Submission was the book). I highly recommend it.

Now that is a Dom who GETS it. And what sets him apart from everyone else?

Dom Michael is humble.

Many Dom/mes go out of their way to play the submissive so they can “put themselves in their sub’s shoes.”

Likewise, I have the practice of breaking in ALL of my equipment on my own flesh before using it on a sub. I will not wield a flogger on a sub that I have not had wielded on my own back.

Why? Because humility makes the best god-damn Dom/mes out there. It keeps our arrogance in check. It nurtures our empathy. It reminds us why the sub needs us. Why they seek us out.

I refuse to friend a Dom/me, let alone work with one, who does not possess this trait.

If you are a Dom/me seeking to better build your Dom/me skills, I can not emphasis the importance of humility more. A huge part of my philosophy and ethics is built on the beliefs laid out in Buddhism. and those principals, I very much bring into my Dungeon. That’s right! The BDSM Buddhist!

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