Vet/Vetting – The process of publicly meeting a potential BDSM play partner in a public and neutral location before deciding if they are safe enough to meet in private. In some cases, multiple public and neutral meeting places are required before a private meeting is scheduled.
Safe Word – A Safe Word is the word or an action used by the sub to communicate to the dom/me that they need to stop the scene or take a break. “Red” and “Yellow” are the most common used and are the only two Mistress Anna uses.
“Why isn’t “No” or “Stop” a safe word?”
Because when you play in Consensual Non-Consent (CNC), “No” and “stop” IS part of the play. But “Red” stops EVERYTHING immediately.
After Care – BDSM dumps hormones into the sub’s system leading to a dopamine high called “sub-space.” Coming down off of this high can cause a hormonal crash in the sub’s system that could trigger a depressive episode (which is why Impact Play is dangerous for people with Suicidal Ideation, Borderline Personality Disorder, and/or Depression).
AfterCare is when the Dom/me provides touch and massage to the sub, which releases serotonin in the sub’s system so that the sub gently comes down from the dopamine high. As a result, a depressive episode is then avoided. A Faux-Dom/me will not administer AfterCare to a sub.
Scene – A “Scene” is a BDSM session that begins with collaring and ends with AfterCare. This can be a role-play session, a flogging, a MM/LB exchange. The scene begins when the Dom/me collars the sub. and ends when the AfterCare begins.
Fetish vs. Kink – A fetish is defined by requiring inclusion to reach sexual orgasm. A kink is an interest, but sexual orgasm is not contingent upon it’s inclusion.
Example: a foot fetish means that the individual cannot reach sexual orgasm unless feet are part of their sex play. A foot kink means that the individual may enjoy feet, but they can still reach sexual orgasm regardless of feet being present in play.
Rigging/Rigger and Rope Bunny – Rigging is rope play. “secure the rigging” is a sailing term that means tighten the ropes. A Rigger (Dominant) ties. A Rope Bunny (submissive) gets tied.
Velcro Collar – Velcro Collar is a term that emerged online in the mid-1990’s when referring to “Virtual” Dom/me and sub Dynamics. Velcro Collar is actually a derogatory term that implies the Virtual Dynamic is not a real Dynamic. This is due to the birth of online chat rooms in the mid-1990’s when (mostly) teenagers started and ended multiple virtual Dynamics, changing out their subs and Dom/mes faster than speed dating. Implying that the “collar” was fastened by velcro.
“Little” – DD/LG, MMLB, DL, – These acronyms apply to the Age-Play Dynamic. In most cases, there is no sexual relationship between a Daddy and/or Mummy and a Little or a Diaper Lover (DL)
DD/LG = Daddy Dom / Little Girl
A prime example of this is a story I once heard. A man lost his five year daughter in a car accident. The loss devastated him. Likewise, a woman with unresolved daddy-issues (and CEO of her company) was left with her emotional grief after her father passed away with no resolution. Both met online at a BDSM event that allowed Littles to match with Daddy Doms. Once a week, this woman would go to her Dom’s home where she would color with her “Daddy,” he would braid her hair, and feed her kid-friendly dinners .
Their Dynamic provided the safe space for both of them to finally heal and recover from their grief while also filling the gap they both experienced in their lives. The relationship was non-sexual and reached it’s height when, during a “DD/LG” conference, the woman was able to bring her husband in and gleefully said, “Sweetheart! Come meet my Daddy!”
Types of Submissives
Rogue sub – This is a term invented by Mistress Anna to describe the independent or “Free-Minded” sub. This sub is best when not collared and left free to roam from Mistress to Mistress. If ever the Rogue sub were to become collared, in most cases, this sub would lose their charm or obedient nature and turn Dom/me. A Rogue sub cannot nor should be collared. The Rogue sub keeps 100% agency and they slip into a sub role only when it suits them and their needs.
Brat – This is a sub who struggles with strict obedience. A Brat can be broken, tamed, and subdued, but they flourish best under a strict hand. A brat wants to be a sub and is a sub, but may deliberately become rebellious to provoke discipline from their Dom/me. Because they need the comfort of discipline. Mistress Anna works with Dom/mes to teach techniques best for the brat sub.
Sub – A sub is someone seeking to surrender power and/or responsibility. Many subs (and Dom/mes) mistake service with this role, but a True Dom/me feels that it is they who serve the sub. A sub seeks to be instructed or commanded.
Puppet sub – A term invented by Mistress Anna to describe the sub who comes to a Dom/me ready with little to no training. A puppet sub is usually completely without agency and seeks to have every action guided by instruction. Without instruction, a puppet sub will stand or sit like a marionette suspended on strings waiting for the Dom/me to command them. They feel most comfortable when 100% agency is turned over to their Dom/mes.
Doormat sub – The doormat sub is the sub who is abused by their Dom/me. Many subs desire this treatment, and, in the wrong hands, can lead to significant trauma. Doormat sub is not a healthy state of existence once should seek.
Slave – The slave is the lowest status of sub who surrenders 100% of agency. Slave does not mean abused. It does mean they have turned themselves over to a status that is less than subservient. Human furniture is one of the distinguishing differences between a sub and a slave.
DOM/MES, Mistress, and Master
Faux Dom/me – A term invented by Mistress Anna, a Faux-Dom/me is a self-deemed Dom/me who does NOT follow the ethics of the Dom/me Code followed by the community.
The Dom/me Code:
- True Dom/mes value mental and physical safety and 100% consent at all times over every minute action.
- It is disrespectful to speak to anyone like they are your sub BEFORE they have consented to being your sub. If someone has not agreed to be your sub, then you should talk to them with respect. A Faux-Dom/me speaks disrespectfully to those who are not their sub. A Faux-Dom/me treats everyone like a non-consenting doormat sub.
- Faux-Dom/mes try to Dom other Dom/mes. It is disrespectful to propose to a Dom/me that they sub for you.
- Only Faux-Dom/mes think that a Mistress or a Domme is submissive because they are female. True Dom/mes respect the Mistress and/or Domme regardless of size, height, or gender.
- Never approach another Dom/me with intent to Dominate the Dom/me.
- A True Dom/me always respects others, no matter their position in the Dynamic.
- Faux-Dom/mes do not capitalize “Dom/me” or “Mistress” when texting. This is usually due to ignorance because they haven’t researched the lifestyle.
- True Dom/mes know that a sub can break some of these rules due to a lack of knowledge or training, but never a Dom/me.
- No Dom/me should ever take money from a sub UNLESS 1) the Dom/me is taking money in exchange for business 2) and/or is a Fin-Dom and the sub has AGREED to BE financially Dominated.
- Real Dom/mes don’t beg, bully, chase, or nag others to sub for them. If a Dom/me is bullying you, begging you, or nagging you to sub for them, they are not a real Dom/me. This is a technique often used by bullies and/or rapists who use BDSM to bully others.
- Real Dom/mes insist on your hard and soft boundaries.
- Real Dom/mes do not hit or strike a sub UNLESS the sub has GIVEN explicit consent for the Dom/me to do so.
- Real Dom/mes are confident, polite, and kind before the agreement is forged.
- Real Dom/mes are humble.
- Real Dom/mes use safe words. Every. Time. Before. Play.
- Faux-Dom/mes say that “You don’t need a safe word.”
- Real Dom/mes do not dismiss your complaints of violence or abuse with excuses like “That’s how I Dom.”
- Real Dom/mes NEVER dismiss your boundaries by saying, “You don’t get boundaries.”
- Real Dom/mes DO adjust their Domination style to the needs of the sub.
- Real Dom/mes vet you.
- Real Dom/mes honor the RIGHT of the sub to RETRACT any CONSENT GIVEN at ANY time.
- Real Dom/mes know and understand that the power given to them is a privilege granted by the sub, which means it is the sub who holds the true power in this dynamic. And it is the Dom/me who serves the sub.
- A sub needs to be Dominated. A True Dom/me does not need to Dominate. Real Dom’s know this and are more casual about Domination than the sub.